Hi, I know that lately you've been feeling like I don't want to talk to you. You are partly correct. Lately I don't really want to talk to much of anyone. I don't really know what's going on with me. I don't know if it's just a general malaise from the ongoing struggle to finally find what's going on with my migraines. I also don't understand my depression. I truly thought that it was caused by my grandfathers death and my brother being overseas. Well, I can now talk about my grandpa without crying or wanting to cry and my brother is home and still I can feel it there waiting to drag me back down if I were to go off of my meds. I haven't been sleeping well at all for more than a week now. I'm up till at least 4am before I even get sleepy even on the days that I get up before noonish I can't get sleepy until 4am. And once I do feel sleepy I still toss and turn until anywhere between 6 and 7am. I then sleep till noon and wake up crabby, tired, and wanting to stay in bed all damn day. My migraines seem to be spread further apart but each one seems worse in and of itself. I don't know if it actually is worse or if it's just that with a break between them I am no longer used to the constant pain.  I still have that place on the  top of my head where even if it doens't actively hurt it feels like I have a lead weight sitting on it. It's a pain bomb waiting for the right circumstances to go off. I hate it. I pretty much hate everything lately. About half of the time when I'm trying to sleep it's almost like I itch way down deep in my joints. It's not really and itchy sensation but that's the best I can describe it. I can resist it for a while but then I'll kinda spaz out all over jittery like and then I'm ok for a while until it builds up again. I catch myself thinking "I don't want to be here" alot and I'm not sure why. It's not like I can go anywhere else. I need to go buy some random shit but I don't wanna becuase I have very little money right now and I have no idea when MetLife is gonna get it's shit together and send me my money. Most of it is stuff I can't put off, cat food, cat litter, milk, ect. My mom is all jazzed about her upcoming marriage and I feel terrible that I can't be happier with/for her. I am happy for her but I am also so buried in my own life and troubles that I don't have alot of me to spare for her. The other day when I broke down while at her house... funny I've lived on my own for 8 years now and it's only been recently that down in my heart I no longer think of where my mom lives as home... anyway she asked me what I wanted her to do. I tried to explain to her that there is nothing she can do for me. I'm no longer 6 with a scraped knee that she can fix with a bandaid and a popcicle.  I don't think she understood. She said I know but is there anything you WANT me to do.... all I could do was cry and wish she would hold me but I can't ask for it. My family has never been big on showing affection. Hugs are for birthdays and christmas. and look at me I'm all crying again. I gotta go now. I hate this so fucking much. I wish I could be me again but I don't know if that will ever happen